


A Wrong That Is Never Forgiven Cannot Be Forgotten

by KingHippiedude (missreader)



Series: Religious Avengers [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Forgiveness, Jewish Character, Jewish Clint Barton, Judaism, M/M, Mourning, Religion, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, sitting shiva, tashlich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 17:47:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7063144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missreader/pseuds/KingHippiedude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set right after the Battle of New York. Clint Barton is Jewish and was in a committed relationship with Coulson before he died.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Wrong That Is Never Forgiven Cannot Be Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> Large portions of this fic were written a while ago and have just been sitting on my computer. I figured now was maybe a good time to post it. So, I edited it a little and added a couple scenes, but mostly it's the same document that's been sitting on my computer for a couple years probably at this point.
> 
> The title is a quote from The Squire's Tales series by Gerald Morris.

After the Battle of New York had ended, Clint was examined extensively by a medical team at SHIELD. He was assigned quarters on base where he was told - in no uncertain terms - that he was expected to stay until they were sure that Loki’s control was truly gone. It wasn’t a holding cell, but Clint was still essentially a prisoner.

Once he was alone, Clint reflected on the battle and its immediate aftermath.

 _“He’s dead, Clint.”_ Natasha’s words echoed in his mind. Coulson was gone.

In the privacy of his quarters, Clint tore the hem of his shirt and covered the single mirror with a spare blanket.

Then he sat on the floor and did nothing. For three days, Clint sat on the floor, eating a bit whenever food was delivered and dozing fitfully whenever he became too exhausted to keep his eyes open.

On the third day, Natasha broke into his room.

“You’re leaving. Now.”

 _Hi, Nat, nice to see you too_ , he thought. But he said nothing.

“Fury can shove it. You don’t need to be locked up in here—”

“Except I do, Nat. I hurt people. I might still be dangerous. We don’t know that Loki isn’t still in my head.”

“But I know _you_ , Clint. I trust you. And the rest of the team is already at the tower. The only one missing is you.”

Clint never could argue against Natasha’s stubborn mind once it was made up, so eventually he left, following her to a waiting car.

He returned to sitting on the floor and doing nothing as soon as he was shown his room in Stark (now Avengers) Tower. But this time, he was occasionally joined by his teammates, who would invite him to the dining room for team dinners or sit next to him in silence.

When seven days had passed, Clint took a hot shower and shaved and headed to the kitchen to cook dinner for the team. If any of them were surprised at his change in behavior, they hid it well.

***

When the clean-up crews started working, Clint joined one of them anonymously. No one recognized Hawkeye, so he spent his days from dawn to dusk working to undo the damage that had been done to the city, damage he felt personally responsible for no matter how many times Nat and the others insisted that it wasn’t his fault. Working didn’t really make him feel any less guilty, but at least he felt like he was doing something positive, and finally he was exhausted enough to fall into his bed at night and sleep.

***

When Rosh Hashanah arrived, Clint took a loaf of bread down to the river and cast crumbs into the flowing water. He didn’t really feel any different, but he did it anyways. And with each piece of bread he tore off and tossed into the river, he thought _I’m sorry, Phil, I’m sorry, Phil_. The next morning, the letter he had written and posted online went viral and began making the rounds of the internet.

_With the High Holy Days upon us, days of judgment and repentance, and the weight of recent losses still weighing heavily on us all, I feel compelled to write this. It is a time of year when every Jew asks forgiveness for our sins in the past year, both individual and collective. And I have done much that requires forgiveness._

_Making amends to everyone I have been responsible for injuring would be impossible, for many reasons. I have been guilty of and complicit in more death and destruction than can be measured. And for that I apologize. I apologize for my part in the Battle of New York this past May. For the destruction and loss of life that I helped cause. While there is nothing that can be done to return the dead to us, we can keep their memories alive. The city is being rebuilt around us, and life continues for those who survive. And so we attempt to rebuild ourselves and our lives as we rebuild our city. There is nothing that I can do to change the past or my part in it. I can only beg for forgiveness and tell you that I wish more than anything that there was. I do not know if you will find it in yourselves to extend that forgiveness, or if I can even find it within me to forgive myself, but I ask nonetheless. Because without asking, without admitting that I have been responsible for wrongs, I will never receive it, will never be able to fully rebuild what remains of my life and begin to move on. And so, I say once again, I am sorry._

__

בשלום  
_Hawkeye_

Some of the responses were positive, others were negative. But it didn’t really matter. The person Clint most wanted—most _needed_ —forgiveness from would never be able to grant it.

***

Eventually a year passed and Clint stopped wearing his torn shirts and lit a candle instead. The nightmares became less common and less intense. The Avengers saved more people (and caused more property damage). And Clint learned how to breath around the hole he imagined was in his chest. The hole that had once been filled by Phil. _Ha ha_ , filled _by_ Phil, _ha ha ha_. Clint laughed at his own stupid pun. It was the first time he had laughed in a long time. He started to laugh more again. He started to remember how to live again. Life went on.


End file.
